


Build me up, strip me down

by catbythefirelight



Series: Recognition [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Epistolary, Established Relationship, F/M, Forbidden Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Secret Relationship, Zutara Month 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24109486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catbythefirelight/pseuds/catbythefirelight
Summary: A private series of letters passing between Zuko and Katara as they grapple with their destinies after the war.Zutara Month 2020, May 11: Secrets
Relationships: Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Recognition [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774327
Comments: 19
Kudos: 161
Collections: Zutara Month 2020





	Build me up, strip me down

**Author's Note:**

> Here it goes, my first epistolary fic. My first Zutara fic too!
> 
> This is set in an AU where Zuko and Katara began a secret relationship while they were on Ember Island. (Maybe one day, I’ll write something about that. No promises! For now, this one-shot made it clear it needed to be written first, haha!)

_ Six months after Ozai’s defeat _

Katara, when you left the Fire Nation for the North pole, you whispered you loved me into my ear for the first time and you didn’t give me the chance to say it back. I was dumbstruck and I just stared at you while you walked away and boarded your ship. Why did you choose that moment? I would have shouted it back to you if everyone on the pier weren’t already staring at us. 

I love you. Every part of the day reminds me of you. I love you at sunset, when we always used to spar. Just as the sun fell under the line of the horizon, I surrendered under the pull of your power. I love you at midnight, when I remember seeing you in full command of your water. I remember the moonlight casting you in an ethereal light, like the river spirit you could be. I love you when I wake with the sun, my shoulder feeling a phantom numbness from all those nights you pillowed your head on me. I never minded it though. I know you’re frowning while reading this part - believe me, I loved it. Because it meant you were close. I only needed to shift a little and reach down to grip your waist, kiss you awake; let the moment turn into a fire that aches and ebbs. 

I’m sitting at my desk between meetings, thinking of you. My bed feels chilled in a way my inner fire can’t fix. When I lie in it, I can’t help but wish for our old bed on Ember Island. Both of us haven’t been truly carefree for a very long time, I think… but in the moments we stole together, the only thing in the world that mattered was you and I. 

Being the Fire Lord is both easier and harder than I thought it would be. I could never truly belong anywhere else… and yet, I feel a sense of displacement. I don’t know how to articulate it exactly. I think it’s the palace. I can’t stand in the palace’s garden without wondering about my mother. I can’t sit on the throne without thinking of Ozai. I haven’t decided what to do with Azula’s old room now that Azula insisted on going to Ember Island. I suppose it’s become a place of refuge for her just as it was for us. Azula might find her peace there - but I’m haunted by ghosts. I’d much rather focus on my memories of you. 

This messenger hawk is well-trained and discreet. She’s smart, too - I’m quite sure none of my attendants have seen her yet. (Which is impressive, considering that I gave up almost all my privacy when I took the throne.) I hope she’s fast too. She’s a special breed of hawk who can bond to people by scent even if she hasn’t seen them before, so I gave her your old pillowcase to use as bedding for her nest before I sent her off with this letter. 

I hope the Water Tribe's initiation proceedings for your Ambassador work aren't too grueling or dull. Look after yourself. How is your family? 

I miss you. 

Zuko. 

* * *

Zuko, you made me blush while I read your letter. Well, it’s what I deserve, I suppose. I wasn’t really thinking much when I told you I loved you. I was just thinking about how much I would be missing you. I didn’t have anything physical to give you to remember me by, so I wanted you to have those words. I’m missing you right now, you turtle duck. I miss your voice, and I miss waking up in your arms, all warm and content. 

Earlier, I was remembering a morning in Ember Island. I woke up while you were meditating by the window. The sun was blooming slowly, and the candles in the room slowly lit up, one by one. I was watching the subtle shift of your shoulder blades under your skin as you breathed. I didn’t realize how essential meditation is to Firebending until we started spending so much time together, and I was fascinated by your control. I slipped out of bed quietly, wanting to get closer to you, and you didn’t notice. Do you remember that day? I’m sure you do. I remember the heavy taste of your sweat on my tongue as vividly if it were yesterday. 

I never was a morning person until you started kissing me awake every sunrise. Now, I wake up at the crack of dawn so easily everyday to practise with Pakku and his students. You’ve done wonders for my productivity, haven’t you? I enjoy it, of course, being with fellow Waterbenders - but sometimes I catch myself wishing I was sparring with you instead. You challenge me in a way no one does. 

I wish we could have traveled after the war together to look for your mother. But I know, I know, your Nation needs you. Maybe when things calm down a little more, we’ll be free to go and look for her. You work hard, but the world won’t collapse without you to lead it, you know. It can spare you for a few days. 

Did you know, Pakku’s started to train girls. More precisely, one girl - most families in the Northern Water Tribe are still resistant to the idea of girls learning to fight with Waterbending, despite my efforts. But there’s this one girl who’s very persistent. When Ambassador meetings aren't keeping me busy, I join in to help train her, and wonder if, in another life, I would have taught Waterbenders for a living. But I know that while I do love teaching, a part of me would always long for something more. There are people in this world who need me more than the Northern Water Tribe does. 

The last I heard, Sokka and Suki are still busy travelling across the Earth Kingdom. I’m not sure whether they’ve decided to settle down in the Southern Water Tribe or in Kyoshi, and I don’t even know if they’ll decide to elope on their journey. I’m happy for them, though, even if those in the Northern Water Tribe shake their heads at an unmarried couple travelling alone. They deserve their happiness. It’s all what Dad and I want for them both, so nothing else matters. They have time to plan out their lives. 

Toph’s busy with the construction of the new Republic City, right? I heard that Aang is with her? He hasn’t forgiven me yet, I think, for turning down the offer to travel with him after defeating Ozai. He hasn’t talked to me since then. I guess all I can do is wait for my friend to come back. 

Your letter took about two weeks to reach me. That’s not bad at all. Speaking of that, what should we name our hawk? Oh, I know, how about Elmas? It’s an ancient Water Tribe word for “diamond”. It’s a pretty name, and she’s a pretty hawk. She likes nibbling at my hair and loves tuna treats. Maybe she was a cat owl in a past life. Maybe… It’s very silly, but I had a funny idea to turn Azula’s room into a hawkery for Elmas and her hawk friends. If she has any hawk friends. But she’s our secret for now. Maybe in the future? We can even find a handsome boy hawk to keep her company! 

I love you. You take care of yourself too. It's been only six months since the Agni Kai, remember?

Katara 

* * *

Katara, I yield. You win, you minx. I’m lucky I was alone when I read your letter. You can turn anything into a competition, can’t you? I want a rematch when you return. 

Yes, Aang is working with Toph. You know that you not wanting to go on a holiday isn’t really why Aang hasn’t been speaking to you. I’m not really sure how he hasn’t suspected us yet. He’s usually pretty perceptive. Maybe he doesn’t really want to see it. 

We can name our hawk anything you want. Elmas suits her. Luckily, she doesn’t seem to have any particular fondness for my hair. I don’t know what I would do if she tried to nest in it. And I think actually like your idea of turning Azula’s room into a hawkery for Elmas someday. I don’t know what my council advisors would say about turning the room meant for the Fire Lord’s daughter into a birdhouse, but I wouldn’t be Fire Lord if I can’t even insist on matters as small as this. 

I’m sorry this is a little short. There have been whispers of rebels planning a coup in the Capital in Azula’s name. Things are quite tense. I love you. Don't worry about my injury. 

Zuko 

* * *

Zuko, I hope the rebels are contained. You know I don’t expect an essay from you every time. My father and I are leaving the Northern Water Tribe tomorrow. Their Ambassador to the Earth Kingdom is coming with us. 

It is torture waiting for your letters to arrive. Before today, I had no idea gossip travels so fast in the Northern Water Tribe. Even gossip concerning other nations. I just need to ask you this. it never occurred to me before. Are you and Mai betrothed? 

"Don't worry about my injury" sounds like a code for "yes, my scar is twinging, and no, I'm not reducing sparring time even though I need to, because I’m an idiot." 

Katara 

* * *

Katara, you know better than to believe rumours. Do you really distrust me so? I can’t see anyone but you. 

About a month ago, Mai and Ty Lee left the Capital. I don’t know where they went. 

Things are suspiciously quiet on the rebel front. I’m not letting my guard down though. Travel safe. 

My scar is not twinging. 

Zuko 

* * *

Zuko, I’m sorry I doubted you. Forgive me. It’s just, sometimes I think about… Well, it was always understood that Mai might be Fire Lady one day, right? 

Elmas found me at night, while we were staying in an Earth Kingdom village for a little while. We weren’t really planning to stop where we did. But we came across this injured orphan girl called Qing Shan, who’s half-Fire and half-Water. She was beaten up badly. I healed up the worst of it, but her bruises are deeply set and her hurt, even moreso. I don’t know who are the monsters that did this to her and she starts crying when we ask her about them. I would go after them myself, but her bruises are days old and the Earth Kingdom is so huge. We reported her case to the village authorities, but I don’t know if they’ll do anything. I want to take her with us, if she accepts. Maybe she can find a better life in the Fire Nation. The Northern Water Tribe would never accept an illegitimate child, as backwards as it is. She was born in the Earth Kingdom, so she probably won’t acclimate very well to the cold of the southern tundra. 

This isn’t the world we fought so hard for. Everything’s all wrong and broken and I don’t know how to even begin fixing it. How could anyone abuse an innocent for her birth? What was truly wrong with her birth in the first place? 

I wish you were with me right now. The Northern Water Tribe’s Ambassador to the Earth Kingdom was staring at me earlier. A stare that said, you’re crazy for taking in a half-blooded bastard. He doesn’t understand. Maybe no one would except for us. 

I’m sorry for calling you an idiot but I don't believe you about your scar. Go and see a masseuse to sort out your nerve pain. 

Katara 

* * *

Katara, I know. I know it’s tough. There’s one of my personal attendants, a boy who’s half-Fire and half-Earth. I don’t think I told you that before. I recruited him myself when I was holding interviews. The head of my household advised me against it, but I insisted. I liked him. He is quiet, but when I understood that all he wanted as to prove that he belonged here in the Fire Nation, I saw myself in him. It’s not just mixed-blood citizens who struggle like this, after all. We’re all trying to prove something. Maybe he can meet this girl you found. They may be able to empathize with each other in ways no one else could. 

Hang in there, my love. Your journey is almost at its end. Then you’ll return and together, we’ll make the changes the world needs. It’ll be slow, so slow, but it’ll be worth it. We’ll work for it. Life is all about work, isn’t it? We work and we push on, because that’s how the both of us are. We never give up. 

And. We both don’t know what would have happened in another life. Mai and I were never meant to be. Mai and I never shared the same connection that we do. 

The masseuse actually helped. Thank you. 

Zuko. 

* * *

Zuko, there is a storm happening now. I never used to be afraid of storms, you know? As a child, I would run out to play in the rain, laughing. I’d make droplets dance around my fingertips and look up into the sky, wondering if someday I could bend that whole torrent of water. I’d stand there until Gran-Gran pulled me back inside the tent. I didn’t even care that Gran-Gran would scold me and give me extra chores to work on. But now, I can’t see flashes of lightning or hear the crack of thunder without thinking of the fate I barely managed to save you from. My chest feels tight, and I can’t really breathe. It’s a wonder I can focus on writing these words. 

I had to stop writing for a while. Maybe my writing looks more legible now. The storm has calmed a little. In my nightmares, you step in front of lightning and your heart burns out and I fail to save you. For days after those nightmares, I never let myself fall asleep for fear of seeing that image of you burning up from your insides again. I’m so scared I’ll never be enough. I wish so badly that I could just say, screw everything, who cares that they’ll say - you’re mine as I am yours, and I wish I could claim you before all the world. But it’s never simple, isn’t it? 

I wish you were here to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything’s gonna be all right. When I write these letters, I feel close to you but ultimately so far away from you. And I’m not really talking about the distance between us right now. What happens when I return to the palace? Do we dance around each other in public, struggle for each moment together under the suspicious eyes of your people? Pass messages between each other via Elmas, even when we’re just a few rooms away from each other? Every stolen moment becomes a game of constantly missing you, even when I’m right next to you, because I know you’ll be gone in the next moment. 

Katara 

* * *

Katara, I wish you were here with me. If you were here, I would hold your palm to my chest and show you that I’m solid muscle and bone; let you feel the pulse of my blood through my heart. I would tell you that you are enough. You are enough. You are the most powerful Waterbender I’ve ever seen or heard about. If I were sent back in time to that fateful Agni Kai, I would have stepped in front of lightning for you again. I would repeat it a thousand times over and over. Okay, that’s not really helping, is it? But I mean it. Have faith in yourself and what you can do. Because I do. 

I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know much about our future together. But I know that we didn’t fight a war for nothing. We didn’t fight a war to hide away like we have something to be ashamed of. I know it’s not that easy. But it’s not impossible for us to make small steps. Beyond that, more than anything, I want you by my side as I work to be the man my Nation needs. We’ll make reforms together. 

It only took three days for Elmas to find me this time. You must be near. Soon, I can hold you in my arms again, and we can talk properly. 

Zuko 

* * *

Zuko, we parted with the Ambassador to the Earth Kingdom today. Dad, Qing Shan and I are boarding the ship tomorrow morning. I want to say so many things to you but for now I can only manage this. I love you. 

Katara 

* * *

Karata, I can’t wait to see you. I love you. 

Zuko 

* * *

Zuko, I’m writing this as I sit on the bow of our ship, on my way back home to you. My back is turned to everyone else. Anyone could sneak up behind me and glimpse what I’m writing to you. But I don’t care. We have nothing to be ashamed of. Right? 

We’ll work, and push on, and love each other. Yes, I’m hopeful. Maybe one day we’ll even journey out to find out what happened to your mother. Let’s talk about it. I’m coming home to you. 

I love you. 

Katara 

**Author's Note:**

> "Elmas" is a Turkish name; I have no idea if the Turkish language could realistically be involved in the Southern Water Tribe's history, but it's my fic, so why not?! And, for a fictional bird whose existence I whipped up in a few seconds just to come up with a way for Zuko and Katara to pass each other letters as secretly as possible, I've actually grown pretty attached to Elmas. I think you can tell from the way Katara randomly talks about turning Azula's room into a hawkery... 
> 
> If you liked this, pretty please send me some love via kudos and let me know your thoughts in a comment! :D


End file.
